Apologies for the blurry photo. Life's been a bit blurry of late and that's what I'm going to tell you all about. I've been wanting to take some time out to write this post for quite a while now, but with Christmas and new year and the back to work blues, time seems to have slipped away from me.
I want to explain my absence in a bit more detail, as this blog started as a place to share the trials and tribulations of my life (though baking and a lot of rambling... Like I'm doing now really...)
Anyway, the fact is I've been suffering with depression for the past six months. It's been a very hard time for both Rob and I and our families, and knowing that it's my fault makes it ten times worse.
After seeing countless doctors, life coaches and counsellors, I have finally resorted to writing a journal. It seems to be helping as it lays out a kind of visual mind-map of what's going on in your head, and although I found that quite difficult to cope with initially, I now find it easier to see where I am in terms of my progress. So I thought why not share it with the entire internet and see how that works. At least then I can get back to blogging (something that makes me happy), whilst clearing my mind.
I think the point that I would like to get across the most is that there is nothing obvious causing my depression. I can almost hear people saying, "but you've got a lovely home, a man who adores you, your dream job, a fantastic education, the most wonderful friend's a girl could ask for and a family who - although crazy - would do absolutely anything they can to help you. How can you be depressed?" My answer is - I have no idea. I wish I knew so I could deal with it, alas, my complete incapacity to recognise the root of my misery offers no escape.
So back to the blog. I find that the problem with lifestyle blogging is that it's so idealistic. There are so many incredible people out there blogging about their experiences, and although the stories that these people tell are empowering, the aspirational side-effects can't be ignored. It's so easy to constantly compare yourself with others. Obviously that is not the sole reason for my depression - but it is the sole reason for my lack of blogging.
It's so easy to pretend to be perfect when you're only writing about the good things. I think the only negative thing I've ever written on this blog is about my meringue not standing up, and I've been blogging for almost a year! Tons of bad things have happened in the past year (as they do to everyone), so why is it that no one shares them? Portraying the perfect family is so easy, but actually living it is a completely different ball game. So from now on, I, Sophie Brown, vow to be honest, and share both the highs (of which there are plenty) and the lows.
Mental illness is a strange thing, and one that not many people understand. I don't even understand it and I'm going through it. But there it is. The past six months of my life, accompanied by a recent photograph of me taken by the very talented and lovely
Joseph Birdsey.
